The Ride or Die: When is Enough.. Enough?

When is Enough Enough? The title says it all! When do we stop making excuses, lying to ourselves, and stuffing our emotions before we’ve had enough? When will we finally admit the truth to ourselves? When I was studying to get my CADC Certification (Certified Alcohol & Drug Counseling), a professor of mine used to say that there was no such thing as denial. Students would argue with him, but he was right. Denial does not exist.

Essentially, we are not in denial. We lie to ourselves. Those are two very different things. We tell ourselves pretty little lies to allow us to keep moving. We ignore the red flags and warning signs. We stuff our emotions into neatly wrapped compartments hoping that if, even for just a moment, we can keep moving forward. We know that we are unhappy, in a bad situation, being lied to, and that we would much rather be in a different place than we are now. We see exactly what is in front of us. We just don’t want to accept it.

So, when is enough enough? It’s such a cliche saying, but when the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing.. we will move on. My M/O used to be riding it out to the very end. Ever heard the term ride or die? I was the ride or die. I did ride.. and yes a couple times I actually did die. I’m lucky to be here. No, rather, I’m blessed.

When we reach threshold is when the change will happen. Threshold is this:

  • Something has to change
  • It has to change now
  • It has to be me
When I learned about threshold the first two points were easy for me. I could easily identify and say that I’d been there. The last point is what I had trouble with. “What do you mean me?” I thought to myself. Point being my surroundings were not going to change so I had to change myself. My decision making process in relationships, friendships, and life in general always goes the same way. I’ll give you the abridged version (the full version is in the Goddess Series for Ixchell).
If it can’t be changed:
  • I can change my thinking and find a way within myself to deal with the situation and move on. As long as after this soul searching I’ve found myself to be comfortable within myself, I can continue with said situation.
OR
  • I can’t accept the situation. Time to move on.

Reflecting

A few years ago, death a was a reality for me. I had been stripped of everything, and I was hopeless. I lived in a drug-ridden house, engaged to an abusive partner and  interacted with dangerous counterparts. I had resigned to the fact that, I believed, I would marry and die young. I would live in this lifestyle in pain and chaos until my final breath. I didn’t believe I could have a happy life. I was still running from my gifts, and, if we’re being honest, I thought I was a freak. I shut out my ancestors, my angels, and didn’t want to listen to any of them. Psychologically and emotionally I was drained. Physically bruised and exhausted, I had let go of all fear, and I was ready to die. I didn’t see a future because I didn’t want to.
An interesting thing happens when one stops being afraid. In fact, something magical happens. The possibilities become endless. With no fear, will, or sight of a future left, I started asking myself at the end of 2013, “What if I don’t die…” A small voice, a big question. Over the months, it grew bigger and bigger. The unknown.
I have had many near death experiences in my short lifetime, but the one that stuck with me the most was toward the end of that year. I was being strangled in my car, and all the sudden all feeling left my body. I could see myself in the car. I knew that I couldn’t breathe, but I was not afraid. I felt peaceful. In fact, it was one of the most remarkable feelings I have ever had. God was not separate, they were within me.

When I was a child and in later years, like in the book of Samuel, I have heard God call me by my given and true name in the night. During this near death experience, I heard that voice again. I wanted

to let go so terribly, but they told me. “It’s not your time yet, I have more plans for you” to which I responded, “Please, let me come with you” I’m sure He is no stranger to me making that request considering during those times I was always begging him to take me from this earth. The last words I heard before I returned to my body were, “I need you to fight.” I followed His instructions.

On December 22, 2013, with no plan in place whatsoever, I grabbed my purse, a few items in front of me, and sprinted out to my car. I drove down the highway, and stayed out for most of the night before arriving on my mother’s doorstep at 5:00 AM. Enough was enough for me. I changed my number, my social media, and hid out for most of the time before I thought going in certain areas were safe again. I went back to school, educated myself, made new friends, and had journeys and adventures beyond my wildest dreams. I grew my gifts and found a new love and commitment to God. I was able to rebuild my life, myself, and heal my fractured self in the coming months and years. I created a life for myself that I love.
My lesson to you is this.. don’t wait for death to change your life. Every second, every breath is a new opportunity even when you feel all is lost. And if by chance you wait til the last moment… It is never too late.
Be Free,
Shhheba

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